CHOPPED IN HALF

I've been living with Crohn's Disease for quite a few years now and it got so bad that recently I had to have surgery to remove most of my colon. I only have a foot left of colon. I have a nice 4 inch incision on my stomach. It's crazy to think that they had to remove a big chunk of my guts in order to get my disease in check. I was hospitalized for 11 days, not being able to eat. This really makes you goofy. And the whole ordeal has changed me.

I knew I needed surgery. The pain went from occasional to constant. Couldn't bend over, was fatigued, it attacked my joints to the point where it was difficult to walk. I was in agony. I knew I needed to go to the hospital, but I waited because my mom was having major surgery on her back and I wanted to make sure she was ok before I went in. By the time I got home from being at the hospital with my mom, I could barely walk. So that night I finally went in.

Last year I was hospitalized because of an ulcer I got on my calf (I also suffer from a rare disease called pyderma gangrenasum). When the blood work came back it showed massive inflammation and after more tests were performed they found a stricture and a hole in my colon. I also had such a low blood count I was almost given a transfusion.  After being pumped with massive amounts of drugs for 5 days,  I was better and released. I felt amazing for a couple months, then the pain and sickness returned.

Turns out the stricture I had last year got way worse and I also had numerous fistulas that were pulling on my small intestine. They showed me the picture of my insides and damn would that make a killer album cover!

Anyway, the point in all this is that I'm now on my road to recovery and God willing, remission. The disease will eventually come back, but I have been given a new beginning. This surgery has changed me. I have a new outlook on life. My new motto is if it doesn't make me happy, it's not worth it.

No matter how sick I got, metal has always helped me through it. It is in my veins. There were days where drowning myself in the music actually took the pain away. I know I will always be involved in the metal scene at some capacity because it is my number 1 passion in life. All grudges or beef I had with people before has melted away. I just want to be happy.

It will take me quite some time to get back to normal and I have no insurance so it's going to be really rough when the bills start rolling in, but I am so hopeful and optimistic. There's finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

So I may be laying low while I'm recovering, but I'm still here and when I do come back I know I will be better than ever, back to supporting as much as I possibly can.

Thank you family and friends, for your constant support and love. I love you all so very much.

HORNS HIGH!! AND I'LL BE SEEING YOU ALL SOON!!

STILETTOS AND CANNIBAL CORPSE...

What? Heavy metal and fashion? What you talkin bout Willis?? I've said it before and as a matter a fact it's our slogan, Heavy Metal, it's not just a hobby, it's a way of life!

Being a woman who likes to look like a woman and still support the bands I love is what inspired me to start FireWalk Threadz. It's a way for women to support their bands, while still maintaining their femininity, their sexiness. Most of the women I know don't want to wear shapeless t-shirts.

It's crazy over the years the things I've noticed in the scene. I've noticed that some of the men in the scene take women as metalheads more seriously if they dress the same way as they do. I think this is ridiculous. These same men are usually the ones who think females are clueless when it comes to music and should just be seen and not heard. Screw that, I wear dresses and makeup and can still rock out with the best of em! I'm no idiot, I know my metal. Just because I enjoy being feminine, doesn't mean I don't have a brain. Maybe try having an actual conversation with me, I don't bite.. Step out of the 50's men, this is 2013!

This brings me to a story about a close friend of mine who is very sexy and enjoys it, but she has been ridiculed for sporting a pink flowery purse. "What's wrong with you dude, that shit ain't metal" This crowd of people even went so far as to take her purse and start throwing it around.. Really?? Wow. How old are we? Most of these people are in their mid to late 30s  I guess some people never grow up. Apparently in some people's eyes if you listen to metal, everything about you has to be black and bleak. Hey, if you want to walk around as a woman dressing and acting like a dude, that's your prerogative. Who am I to judge, but it doesn't make you better or more metal than me because I choose the opposite.

So ladies, wear your stilettos, your flowers in your hair, your pink ruffles or whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself and blast your Cannibal Corpse loud and proud! Who gives a flying rat's ass what anyone else thinks. You want to stare at us? Go ahead, but if you don't like it move your eyes elsewhere.
Never change who you are for anyone..

                               

"All the faithful fall onto their knees"

Everyone who knows me well knows I am very spiritual. I wouldn't call myself religious because I don't follow a book or confine myself to a building to pray. I believe in God, I pray, and this belief comes from within, it's the definition of faith. I can't physically prove to anyone he exists, nor do I feel the need to. All that matters to me is that I know in my heart he exists. I know in my heart there is life after death. These are beliefs that are mine, but I am still open minded enough to listen to the opposing views and ideas of other people.  I can respect anyone's opinion as long as they are just being informative and not pushing what the think is "the way" down my throat. I'm 34 years old, there's no conversion at this point.. 

The title of this blog is a quote from an amazing song. Probably one of my favorite songs, period. It always makes me think, so this is what was going through my head when I heard it this time.. 

Godless are we??  I understand people who lean more toward science and logic normally have a hard time with no physical proof, believing in God. I can respect that, but I can't accept when people try to talk me out of my beliefs because of the lack of scientific evidence. (which is arguable, there are books on supposed scientific proof of life after death) 

I also can't accept the overly religious telling me that certain things I do or even things I feel or think will lead me straight to the mouth of hell. I can't get behind any religion where a great deal of it's followers live in fear. 

I see it this way,, I'm not saying this is how it is, this is my personal belief. God is the all father. Think of a normal functional family unit. Would your father disown you for making mistakes? Chances are he would not.  Your father loves you (or at least should) and you love him. He may get angry at you from time to time for being a screw up, but he knows you learn from your mistakes. Your parents support you unconditionally. To me that is what God is like. And the question of  "If there is a God, why do so many bad things happen?" I believe you can't truly be happy and open yourself up to good things if you've never experienced the bad. You can't truly appreciate something beautiful if you've never seen ugliness..  I believe that is a marker of a truly enlightened person. The ability to appreciate all of your experiences and realize the sum of those things makes you who you are. 

I have gotten shit so many times from random people who are completely irrelevant to me about being spiritual and being into metal at the same time.  I have touched on this subject a bit in a previous blog, but I guess I just felt the need to speak on it again today.

What are your beliefs and do you expect the people you care about to agree? 

I AM THE ENEMY, I AM THE ANTIDOTE

You are your own worst enemy, your own worst critic.. Life is far too short for you to not believe in yourself. I guess my whole point in today's blog is to maybe give some of you inspiration or a different way of looking at things, some words of wisdom, share some of what I have learned in my life.

Happiness.. The most important thing about happiness is that you will never have it unless it comes from within. You CAN NOT expect others to give it to you. You have to make it for yourself and if others can add to it, then you are a very lucky person. I try to be an optimist for the most part, which some have told me they admire considering what I have been through and what I am going through currently.  No one is happy all the time and no one has a perfect life, but if you can see past the negative and make yourself happy for you, for the most part, you will only attract more positivity into your life.

Never be ashamed of who you are or who you aspire to be. It's hard to be confident sometimes, especially when you've experienced so much loss and failure, but the truth of the matter is, you will never please everyone, so it's pointless to try. The only person you should truly care about pleasing when it comes down to who you are is yourself. People will always judge you, no matter what you do. You just have to have the confidence to know that the path you are on is what's true to your heart and no one can take that away from you.

Life is one big series of lessons. I believe failure and loss exist so that you can appreciate success and gain. At least it helps me to look at it that way. I believe that if you never try to do anything that's in your dreams to do in your life, you are a coward. Any coward can sit behind a computer screen and make fun of people's failures. It takes real bravery and courage to at least try to make your dreams reality.

"I'M MORE METAL THAN YOU ARE!!"

OK ENOUGH of this already!! I see way too many people posting about how "metal" they are. Really? are you the authority? I'm going to say it, heavy metal is a genre full of elitists and full of people who think that you have to act and dress a certain way and own a certain number of albums and attend a certain number of shows, etc,, to be considered "metal" in their eyes. If you can sit and tell me you have never liked a single song that wasn't metal, I would think you are a liar.

I have seen people talking shit about how the kids nowadays don't know what true metal is, etc, etc, blah, blah blah, There's someone who probably thinks the same about you, so knock it off. Constantly posting on facebook about how many CDs you own or how you've been in this scene for 30 years does nothing, but make you look boastful and sad.. If you are secure in who you are there shouldn't be a need for all that. And talking shit about people who have recently discovered metal and snubbing them at shows because of it, is completely ludicrous! Instead you should be opening their eyes to other bands they would like or telling them things they can do or places they can go to learn more.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Metal is one of my true passions in life. It inspires me to be a better person, to do better things and to be more productive. It doesn't matter at what age you discover it, as long as you're lucky enough to discover it at all..

HEAVY METAL AND RELIGION..

I know religion is one of those topics on the "DO NOT DISCUSS IN PUBLIC" list, but I've been seeing a lot of things lately that have inspired me to write about it. I have my own person beliefs on God and the afterlife, paranormal, occult, etc, that I usually don't share with people unless I know them well because 9 out of 10 times people disagree and it becomes a never ending circular argument where no one's point is really heard. Although if someone asks me and I can see that they will respect my beliefs, I have no problem sharing them. If it's some rowdy opinionated jerk off who I know lives in their own little world where what they say if fact, I have no comment.. I believe everyone has the right to their own personal beliefs and I can respect anyone's opinion as long as it's not shoved down my throat, even if I don't agree or I think it's wrong.

So many people lately have been posting what they think is absolute truth. The only truth is that none of us know with 100% certainty what lies beyond death. We just go with what we believe to be true in out hearts. Just as we have no real scientific proof in a God/Gods, the opposite is also true, there is no real proof in the non existence of God either. There are videos of supposed spirits, demons, poltergeists, etc, but there validity will be argued til the end of time.

What does this all have to do with Metal, you ask? Well I've just seen a lot of judgement happen towards metalheads(myself included) if they express their religious beliefs and/or their acceptance of God. How can you be in a metal band and yet still go to church on Sundays? The answer in my opinion is this.. Metal music might be brutal, satanic, evil, what ever.. But, it's a way for people to express all the darkness they have experienced, a way to let out these negative emotions.. It does not have to involve the worship of the "horned one".. I feel privileged that these musicians share with us these personal demons because it makes you feel like you are not alone. A person's personal beliefs should have no bearing on whether or not you choose to listen to their music.

I know a few people personally that hide their beliefs from the crowd because they say they don't want to look like a hypocrite. Why hide it? If you go to church, yet your music is satanic, why hide the fact that you are acknowledging and embracing the dark part of yourself and allowing it to be put out into the world in the form of killer music, instead of in some brutal horrific way? I am a firm believer that there can not be light without dark, good without evil. Being able to express your darkness in a constructive way, in my opinion, is the mark of an enlightened human. And I say human because it's human to have both good and bad in your hearts.. Don't hide your true nature, because that is fake and sooner or later it will come back to haunt you.

So I guess in closing don't be afraid to embrace what's true to your heart and be yourself. If people don't like it fuck em!! There will be 10 people down the line that respect you for your honesty.

HEAVY METAL ELITISTS AND THE AUTHORITAY!

I found this note I wrote on facebook some time ago and thought I'd re post it here. Check it out and let me know what you think.

"You must respect my authoritay!!  For real though... Cartman can say it, he's a fucking cartoon..

So in case any of you wondered, I LOVE METAL.. It is in my veins, in my heart.. I like a WIDE array of different types of metal, from power to death to black and everything around and in between.  I like what I like and there need not be any justification for this. There is no arguing taste. It is rare to come across an individual who TRULY respects another's taste in music. I absolutely detest the "YOU SUCK BECAUSE YOU LIKE (FILL IN THE BLANKS)" attitude.  REALLY? Your opinion on what's good could be the complete opposite of the next guys, so get off your elitist high horses and back down to earth for a second.

  I read a post the other day that included the phrase "real metal"  This person implied that because a band has made it to a certain status, suddenly they are sell outs and are no longer "real metal"  Who decides who is real metal? Who is this top secret authority? Maybe it's SATAN, sitting on his throne in his red loin cloth vetoing bands such as OPETH, for example, writing them off, crossing them off the list of "Real Metal" with a thick black sharpie, all because they have risen out of the underground. Awesome.. So success in thie person's book is not making it big, but staying underground.. Alrighty.. Don't get me wrong, I have complete respect for bands who want to stay underground, but to judge someone for making it big is fucking ludicrous and it's all purely based on jealousy whether you choose to admit that or not..
So that being said. there is no authority, your version of what "real metal" is might be completely different from the next persons. No one is any fucking better than anyone else around here. Let's all just rock out and be thankful that people are still listening to the music we all love at all. Whether it be power metal, grind, black metal, death or anything in between.. Fuck it!! Horns High to you all.   Respect my friends, it's all about respect.. "

This also makes me think of all the posts I've seen in the past with people bitching on facebook about people choosing to go to see a national act over a local. Well yeah DUH!!  Why would you miss the opportunity to see one of you favorite bands to go see a local band that plays out every other weekend. You never know what can happen. I'm not saying don't support your local bands, but be real.. I guarantee the same people would pass up a local show any day to see one of their favorite national acts.. Some of the comments lead me to believe that people forget that most every band was once considered just a local band and had to start out at the bottom and I'm sure most fans have no idea the struggles some of these bands had to go through to get where they are today. Again, jealousy is a very unattractive trait on anybody.